friday / 6:45 am

i let it all get to me yesterday. chris at the end of the day, with his house comments and utter frustrating ideas (he's so damn busy, forgets where we left off, then wonders why things are as they are...). it made me feel inept, child-like, and question by self worth. and... most importantly, it pissed me off, and i allowed it to. which pissed me off even more. 

but then when i came home i let things brew and fester, that it took all evening to calm down. my mind raced, and it went places it shouldn't have. it entertained ideas i tried to get rid of weeks ago, after that blackout. but i went back to it, escaped to it, let my imagination and fantasy take over... nothing happened in my head, because i kept stopping it, but the idea - oh, the idea - it's so tempting. 

it messed with my head, but it also pacified my anger and calmed me. this both perplexes me and excites me at the same time....

thursday / 7:18 am

i have to start working out again. there's just no excuse except for laziness. it's coming up on 2 weeks that I've stopped now... granted i've been insanely busy and pulling 12-16 hour days once i'm finally home for the night. but still, i can afford 20 minutes of intense physical action to keep pushing toward my goal of total flat tummy! i'm so close... it's not about being skinny or losing weight, i don't care about that shit. it's about being so close to a goal and stopping short before it happens. my thighs and legs and butt definitely could use that last but of toning up and tightening up. 

that said, the insanity has hopefully calmed down now. i'm hoping the long hours at meyers are tapering off for something more consistent and with a solid deadline. it will be less about impressing a client and more about generating the documents needed to get the job done... again, being so close to the finish line and being able to say you did it. 

my work friendships are getting stronger, my position there is getting more respected. i feel like things are falling into place now and it's just a matter of me learning to grow and deal with the kinds of ideas /tasks /projects i'm dealt with. one day at a time, right?

wednesday / 6:45 am

i'm beyond exhausted today. had all kinds of dreams last night, and all kinds of food at kat and angie's last night. hung out w christopher, made him feel at ease for being who he is without having come out to us. i feel like we are establishing ourselves with him and as a core group for all of us... a support network, if you will, for unconditional love, family support and a release from all of that guilt we've all been living with. 

it's hard writing this down because i make it seem like our family doesn't love us (immediate and otherwise) but the truth of the matter is, they love us so much they have suffocated us and forced us to conform into a life they want for us. 

but what i've realized is that it's not just my parents, or my cousins parents, but an entire generation altogether. and i wonder if it's a generational cultural divide, or if it's a part of the cycle of life... and unless the cycle is broken (with therapy and discussions like last night's) then it will continue to churn the pit of guilt and confined living. free will is lost. 

tuesday / 6:48 am

i've been sleeping a lot these days. went to bed at 9 last night, zonked out on the couch and then paul brought me up closer to midnight, and i just kept sleeping. the kitties both came and cuddled with me. it was a comfy, warm and sweet dream space last night. 

and i finally sent through an owning for an intern opening through ccad's career services site. i don't know what to expect, if anything at all... but at least it's out there. i'll give it a week and if no one bites, i'll go through other avenues. i just realized that you can't accomplish everything in life by yourself. "you can do anything, but not everything." and with an assistant, i'd get a lot more done. 

this way, i can be effective both at home and for both businesses. maybe chris should look into hiring as assistant for himself. he looks like he will explode into bits if any more projects pull him in more directions. 

monday /6:50 am

taking yesterday as a personal day was the best thing i did all week. i spent it with paul by my side, and we reconnected and had a great, laid-back and relaxing day. my energy was so low and my eating habits were terrible this past week, so a day of rest and recoup was very smart. 

VSCO has an artist scholarship they're giving away. i'm contemplating applying for it, if only to keep my dream of travel and documenting quiet maturely moments alive. i'm sure there are a lot of others that have similar intentions, so i need to make my entry personal. maybe it's to trace my roots of my family, document where they went and photograph the areas. tie in the memory book, with the memory photos, with present day reality. macedonia, ellis island, the american railroad (starting in delaware, coming to columbus), where the fuck is darda...? and most definitely check out the mountain that my family owns, opticheri, panovski livadi, orehovo, etc...

i need to get my hands on as many old photos as possible. olga, milica, they're a good start. spacija, she would be a goldmine, dad most importantly.... and find those tapes of baba ilinka interviews. 

game plan it tonight. come up with a timeline / mode of research, put down a quick proposal, write an artist statement, apply to VSCO, look up other agencies, talk to eli /aleks.... let's get this party started!

saturday / 9:15 am

i've had a rather long and stressful week. i over booked myself, over extended myself for friends and family, took to cleaning the house in stress of giving myself time and space, went to a ton of meetings (including social ones with friends) and when the week was finally over yesterday evening, i had nothing more to give. i was in my head, emotionally non-present, and otherwise cold to the world. and it took paul 15 mins of me walking into the door to realize this. he gave me time and space at first, but then came around to bring physically close, to stopping whatever inane task i was doing to give me long hugs, or tickle my neck with soft kisses, or a backscratch, or to tell me he loves me. 

and after coming with me to my last meeting of the week, we went for an ice cream date and walked around town, checking out boutiques, getting our minds a rest, and giving our visual sensory a much needed awakening. just the act of walking around in a space that provided much curiosity and enjoyment was all i needed to calm me, give me that time i needed to let go of things, and become that better person i know i am. 

i love paul for this... for his keen sense of perception, for wanting to fix me before i got worse, and for spending the evening by my side while i took time to just 'be'.

friday / 6:47 am

dan asked me 'why is everything ok?' yesterday, after calling me out on me pretending i was fine. and that's when i realized that while i've been the backbone for paul and i the past six months,  and i've been stepping up things both at meyers and for aperture, it's all just starting to wear away at me. 

d: how are you doing?

h: ok. you?

d: mmhmm, you seemed miserable 30 mins ago

h: shit, you are way too perceptive for my own good...

d: so, why is everything "ok"?

it's been a whirlwind of a work week: the raise, and the nonstop presentation packets, and quick turnaround of projects. then, and coming home and finding everything a disaster, realizing paul's still not well,  trying to find comfort in a house that seems sad and stressed in its own. and finally, for aperture, nonstop meetings every evening, booking two jobs!, photo book designs, marketing, photo booth outreach, etc. 

i need a break. 

i need to book a cabin somewhere, an escape, a proper getaway. i need nature to take over and calm me down. i need to feel the serenity of a mountain top, the calm if water, the soft glow of the sun, the smell of spring, the sound of wind and bird chatter... i need to take better care of myself. 

thursday / 6:48 am

i had a dream that our house got robbed. we were out for a minute and came back to an open door waiting for us. it was clear that they were interrupted, because they only took a handful of items. but as paul and i were going through items that we thought were missing, and making a list, we heard them come back. 

they were mean and persistent fuckers, and no matter what i did to protect our home, it wasn't enough. it got as far as it becoming a physical altercation between myself and the lead lady. i remember trying to remember as much as i could about them in my head so that i could do a sketch for the police. but what i should've done is taken a photo with my phone and then pressed the panic button on my key fab. 

i woke up feeling so helpless and defeated. i hate that i couldn't defeat my own, nor that i could protect my kitties. miso got hurt during the whole process and i was beyond upset about this. i was about to choke this lady until i felt the life of her about to escape, and then last minute i'd back off. 

i don't know much about dreams. but maybe I should look into them a bit more. 

wednesday / 6:47 am

everything is wet and shiny. as if the world is taking a big bath and starting a new day.  my mind has been on work a lot lately. the huge promotion at work and the amount of work that needs to be produced is all in the back of my mind. i feel confident in my abilities, but i am not so confident in the time allotted to get these tasks done. perhaps part of growing into this new position is asking for the right amount of time to get things done correctly. 

i'm also pushing ahead with aperture. getting our work out for marketing purposes, reaching out for the photo booth to cover bigger and better events, getting seen, heard and otherwise finding more exposure. and, most importantly, looking for an intern. that will be a priority for me this summer. 

with the promotion and the boost in pay, i feel more secure in our ability to get more creative with the booth as well. i'd like to do a video slow-motion booth. it will be something i'd like to launch mid-summer and get it out in front of people to see. and, with that comes a complete redesign of the booth website, to make it more fun, showcase the events, and show off the experience.  so many ideas and tasks in my head, maybe moving into a similar position of managing and directing at home would be a good idea. with our intern taking on the tasks i have in mind. or maybe there are two of them? one dedicated to the company /marketing and another to the booth? now that's an idea...

tuesday / 6:50 am

i spent 12.5 hrs at work yesterday trying to finish up a project, and got a $10K raise during my review. i'm learning how to ask for things in life instead of assuming defeat and not taking control over it. it feels great to know i can do this, it's the part of growing up noone tells you about. you just either figure it out, or you don't. 

i came home, had a great meal at north star, talked with paul for a long while, and then alfie cuddled with me for a long while until we both fell asleep. my interactions and conversation with paul post work made the 12.5 hrs of work disappear. but i have to say, this is not something i want to get used to doing. it's not part of the job i agreed to.

we will see how things will progress. 

monday / 6:55 am

so sleepy eyed because of the hour backwards for daylight savings, but i'd much rather be sleepy in the mornings than lose an entire hour of daylight to nothing. yhis will take some adjustment, just like anything in life. 

i'm asking to renegotiate my salary today. i need to think positive, get my game straight in my head, and let go of any fears i might have about asking for what i want (and clearly deserve). 

sunday / 10:17 am

my motherinlaw is in the hospital. i'm a little bit freaking out inside and somehow paul is still sleeping. so i've decided to keep my emotions on his schedule, this is his family, but his lack of urgency about this matter baffles me. i know it's not a serious matter, but still, the moment i would find out my mother was in the hospital, i'd drop everything and go to be there with her. 

it seems like life's got a way to throw us into the fire no matter how hard we work to keep us out. i just have to remain calm and distant from this, stop analyzing the situation. but the truth of the matter is that we will be impacted in the long run. without carol that house will fall apart.

we are the keepers of the peace, but even though we try to preplan and figure out the best outcome for everyone, we can't patrol them. and we are limited in what we can do; we can provide and help with the house, but we certainly cannot force people to live one way or another, or force our intentions upon them (like my family does and makes us feel guilty about it).

it's funny how the thoughts come full  circle for me. in trying to help, i am slowly becoming my parents in a way i don't ever want to be. and that is my choice to carry out- not because i don't care - but because no matter how much i wish my in laws lives were better, and that they led more stable lives, i cannot enforce anything on them. 

so i just let go, and let life happen. 

saturday / 9:55 am

yet another morning full of soft snores and major cuddles, from both paul and the kitties. if you've ever wondered what pure comfort and safety feel like, this is it.

 

friday / 8:35 pm

i didn't do a morning page today. instead i cuddled with miso and paul and gave myself the time and space i needed to just sit and be for awhile. miso was being so adorable and I just didn't want to waste that time to running errands or doing anything other than just enjoying their company. 

yesterday, dan's favorite kitty was put down. i watched him fall apart and try to keep from crying. i remember the last time i had to make a decision to end a life, and it's one that stays with you. i hope, in his case, it was made with the input of a partner by his side. and i'm so glad that in his decision they didn't have to operate and remove that life from him.

thursday / 6:48 am

i cried it out last night. i realized i was fighting myself on a lot of things in my mind. so i decided to take the time last night and actually deal with things. allow myself to feel them, to let them free, and let them go. and when paul came up and we talked things through, there was one thing he said that really resonated with me:

"no matter what you decide to do you will always have regrets. because in the end, this is a decision based on sacrifice and it will ultimately change us and our lives. so no matter what you do, just decide and do it fully and to the best of who you are, because all we can do is live this life day by day, figure things out day by day... and in the end, we've always got each other."

we've always got each other... why have i been going at this as if I'm taking the world all by myself? why have i allowed loneliness to creep in? we work so well together, as a team. and in the end we (not i), we just have to make a decision that is going to give us the least amount of regret over our lives. and stick with it. 

...because we can't relive the past, and we can't predict our future. we have no control over time and how things will be, but the only control we have is how much we love each other, and how we choose to live today over yesterday. and as long as we've got each other, well, we might not be model human beings, but we can only be the best "us" that we know how to be. and love, we know how to love deeply, madly, and unconditionally. and in the end, that's what's going down in the books. not the rest of those silly ideas and worries and fears in the backs of our heads. 

we've always got each other.  

tuesday / 6:54 am

i feel like i have nothing to say today. i have been diligent with my workouts, with my time to myself at night, with being creative, and managing a career, with pushing our photo booth forward, with spending time with paul, with giving back to my community... etc. 

i even went to sleep at a reasonable time last night and slept deep and sound and had vivid dreams. on top of that, the weather is getting nicer, the days are getting longer, my energy is coming back full force, and i hope to start remodeling some house things soon. my review at work is next week, and i will ask for a significant raise, get paid my worth and finally feel like i've become something... not that i need money to make me feel self worth. but i do need to be compensated in a way that reflects my self worth, that allows me to live my life as i need to, and that gives me the flexibility to exist in a way i couldn't before. 

so, things are progressing, you could say. and as a result, my mind is calm. i still crave travel and to see and experience things in a way that fulfill me, but i need to secure things here first before any of that can happen. and while last year we had everything planned out and all kinds of trips lined up, i'm happy to say that this year i'm just taking things as they come, making trips up as my life progresses, and based on where i am with things. and you know what...? that works too. preplanning is good, but fly by the seat of your pants travel is just as good. it's a true adventure. it's pure discovery. 

monday / 6:50 am

i'm beyond tired today. both body and mind... sleep came very late last night and my workout went up another level. i'm kicking my own ass, and i'm so glad to have stuck it out this far with the daily workouts. 

my mind is on work, and what awaits me there this week. deadlines, new projects, co-worker dynamics ... i need to tone all of that down and just focus on the task at hand one minute at a time in order to finish all of my projects. 

it's strange, last night i had so much to say, but this morning my mind is pacified and i'm just sitting here, being, breathing, just experiencing how it is to be alive, with no other real thoughts or yearnings or desires. i'm in state 'zen' at the moment, without the meditation. and i kind of like it. 

is this what normal people feel like most of the time? with no real thoughts about art and life and travel and mortality? a pacified mind, completely fulfilled with what they have and all they are, with no reason to want to be more as a person. and absolutely no thought on if their work will stand the test of time or if it's even good enough. sometimes, this pacified mind of a life is what i crave. it's easy, it's comforting, and simple. 

friday / 7:03 am

i've been doing a workout almost every night this week and i am amazed at how easily the body is forced to adapt to what you are forcing onto it. i technically have been doing this for almost 2 weeks but I took a 2-day break between workouts, and when i picked it back up on sunday, it was like i was starting over. my stamina, endurance, muscle memory was all gone. and i guess doing these morning pages is like that too - it's a mental muscle i am exercising and the whole waking up earlier is getting easier. 

i'm starting up my personal portrait project again - i'm shooting and interviewing whitney this weekend. i need this more than ever. i feel like i've been talking about it for so long, and slowly working on it, but i've never been able to do a complete project yet. and i guess you can call this one on-going, but i'd like for it to be much further along. 

i think i'm taking today for granted. i'm choosing to go into work instead of using my free day to myself because of all of the work that needs to be done is overwhelming. but i promise myself this: i am giving an entire day to myself this weekend, all to myself... and i'm not going to feel guilty about it either.