sunday / 10:17 am

my motherinlaw is in the hospital. i'm a little bit freaking out inside and somehow paul is still sleeping. so i've decided to keep my emotions on his schedule, this is his family, but his lack of urgency about this matter baffles me. i know it's not a serious matter, but still, the moment i would find out my mother was in the hospital, i'd drop everything and go to be there with her. 

it seems like life's got a way to throw us into the fire no matter how hard we work to keep us out. i just have to remain calm and distant from this, stop analyzing the situation. but the truth of the matter is that we will be impacted in the long run. without carol that house will fall apart.

we are the keepers of the peace, but even though we try to preplan and figure out the best outcome for everyone, we can't patrol them. and we are limited in what we can do; we can provide and help with the house, but we certainly cannot force people to live one way or another, or force our intentions upon them (like my family does and makes us feel guilty about it).

it's funny how the thoughts come full  circle for me. in trying to help, i am slowly becoming my parents in a way i don't ever want to be. and that is my choice to carry out- not because i don't care - but because no matter how much i wish my in laws lives were better, and that they led more stable lives, i cannot enforce anything on them. 

so i just let go, and let life happen.