01 october 2014

i never thought i would be the subject of my own portrait project. and yet here i am, interviewing myself, racking my brain, trying to figure out how life can change so quickly in the blink of an eye... one minute, there you are, enjoying the last day of summer, watching your incredible husband rock out as he plays at a festival. you feel sunshine on your shoulders and laugh with friends. you end the evening with family portrait shoot with two of the most adorable little boys... and then... as you turn to the comforts of your home, that day completely disappears as you rush to the ER, try to breathe calmly, and tell yourself it might not be as bad as you fear it is...

a week ago today, september 24, 2014 at 5:11 am, i gave birth to my son.  jude was perfect in every way possible, except that he came 4 1/2 months too early. he was 7.8 inches long, weighed 6 oz, and had the longest little fingers. i spent four days laying in that hospital bed, knowing that any minute the little life growing inside me would end, and the induced labor would be too much for my child to survive. and yet i sat there calmly, as every doctor tried every labor-inducing medicine and procedure, and i let it all happen, so that i could hold my little boy if for only a moment, and tell him 'I'm sorry' and how much i loved him.

ever since i stepped foot into that hospital, it's all been the same. everything is numb and surreal all at the same time. i sometimes wonder when i'll finally wake up from this nightmare. and other times i forget it even happened and when i put my hand on my belly, it cuts me like a knife. i try to keep my mind distracted, surrounding myself tasks that have no meaning (doing dishes, making the bed), in hopes of tricking my brain into not thinking. because having things "to do" gives you some sort of purpose, and makes you feel less helpless in the end, right?  and that's what it comes down to, really, that i felt so helpless during those four days... that i couldn't help him... i was his sole protector and there was nothing that my body could do to protect him. and even though I know it isn't my fault, and there's nothing that could've been done, i still feel like i failed at keeping my son safe and alive. 

in the wake of this tragedy i have tried my best to find something positive to hold onto. and while i will forever miss my little boy, i have also realized how much closer he's brought me to others. losing him has made me want to be a better person, to take control of my life and not waste a single moment of it, and above all, he's made me love in ways i didn't know i could love. and if that's the one thing that jude has given us, to love on an even deeper level, then i'll take it.