thursday / 6:46 am

there's a kitten on my chest purring and begging me to pet her and scratch her chin. she's warm, sweet and very lovable. she likes to nuzzle my chin and burrow into my neck, and then slowly fall asleep, as her purring goes from loud, shallow breaths to deeper, softer breaths, until at last, there's a deep belly sigh and she's willfully asleep tucked under. i can feel her tiny breaths on my skin, cold when she breathes in, warm when she breathes out. this feeling is the epitome of feeling safe, comforted and calm. and i am elated that I can be that for her. 

yesterday was nowhere near such a feeling. i allowed the actions of those around me to seep in, influence my mind and spirit, get under my skin and really get me angry. and that is an understatement even. rage, i felt rage. and when i realized it, i became more angry - not at the actions which caused this reaction, but at myself for being so weak and letting myself slip into that irrational territory. 

wednesday / 6:43 am

i'm in bed writing this on my phone. the world is cold and this polar vortex freeze is getting old. but as I lay here, i am being held by paul and i feel so warm, so loved and so safe. 

it's amazing how far our relationship has gone. i'm so glad to have seen it through to the other side. he is the most kind hearted and caring person i've ever met. and his drive to make things and be a true artist astonishes me. i am lucky to have found him, to have taken that chance and kissed him, to have married him, and to have made a life with him.

i am so happy with how our life is at this moment but i also want to move forward and become a family of three. but i am so SO scared for what that means. the balance i've finally found will be gone, and the space and time we both need will be lost, and i would hate myself if i resented the child because i am not like most people and i need the time to be creative and to make things. but i would regret it more if my relationship with paul suffered as a result of having a child, because he needs more time and space than i ever could muster up for myself. 

i worry we will get cranky and stop communicating and start resenting each other. i worry that instead of a team mentality, we will become savage animals looking out for #1. and i never want to get to that point, not with paul, not ever again. 

tuesday / 6:53 am

my minds awake but my eye lids are sleepy. i meditated before bed the night before and allowed myself complete calm. and i was so centered and relaxed and balanced all day.  my mind and body were at complete equilibrium. 

i have finally found that balance in my work /life where i am actually happy. which scares me, because this is my slow time and i have plenty of time to myself now. i worry about what's coming up and how to cope /manage then. but i am also hopeful that the practices and things i am doing for myself now can translate at this busy time as well. 

i have so many things i want to write but my attention and my mindset is being fractured. work stress is looming, my cats want my attention, the fact that it snowed bothers me because it means that i have to leave early to get to work, all of my roadblocks are sitting pretty in my head and taking up space. and if i ignore then them i feel like a selfish, irresponsible shell of a person. 

but what i want to write about are the upcoming shoots i am going to do for my new project.  about the architecture design ideas swirling in my head (some day, i will design and build the sweetest back yard studio). i also want to be more creative and make more watercolor sketches / do crafts / collaborate / get my hands dirty. drawing was so cathartic when i did it. and writing, well, there's that autobiographical novel i want to put to paper. but I need time to research, to find more photos... or is this another road block?

maybe like my memory maps, i can write this novel out if memory. so it's part reality /part nonfiction... and what is reality now these days? photographs falsify, we only project the best parts if us to the world, and recounted stories out of memory (which is basically all I've got for the book) is subjective and has years and years of time to fade. maybe like my memory maps, maybe it's time to start writing my memory novel. 

i like this notion. it's time to start from the last thing and move backward.

monday / 7:03 am

the cats are swirling around me, being cute and cuddly. my body aches (in a good way) from last nights work out and marathon walking. i need to walk more. one to two hours a day is all it takes. it makes me feel a million times better, physically and mentally. and next time I do this I should take my camera along with me. no kidding. especially walking around downtown or even just to the ravine. i have so much film i need to go through and goddamit if i don't do it this spring. i've got no shoots scheduled between now and may, and the only reason i am do damn busy is because i schedule myself with too many tasks. 

but no more. i'm going to schedule creative time for myself. it's going to happen. the same way paul schedules band nights (twice a week!) and on top of that, his own time to noodle around the music gear, or to paint or draw or make visible people. but i constantly find ways to waste my time - house cleaning, social media, news, weather, cats, more cleaning, random tasks. these things make me feel as if i'm progressing and as if i'm producing things. but all it is is road blocks i put down for myself before the real work actually begins. 

well, let's do this then. starting tonight. less wasting time, more focused on my body and mind, going to bed earlier to get up in time to do this. i can wake up early for anything and anyone else, why can't I do it for myself? i'm the most important person for me.  stop the bullshit hristina and do the work.