tuesday / 6:53 am

my minds awake but my eye lids are sleepy. i meditated before bed the night before and allowed myself complete calm. and i was so centered and relaxed and balanced all day.  my mind and body were at complete equilibrium. 

i have finally found that balance in my work /life where i am actually happy. which scares me, because this is my slow time and i have plenty of time to myself now. i worry about what's coming up and how to cope /manage then. but i am also hopeful that the practices and things i am doing for myself now can translate at this busy time as well. 

i have so many things i want to write but my attention and my mindset is being fractured. work stress is looming, my cats want my attention, the fact that it snowed bothers me because it means that i have to leave early to get to work, all of my roadblocks are sitting pretty in my head and taking up space. and if i ignore then them i feel like a selfish, irresponsible shell of a person. 

but what i want to write about are the upcoming shoots i am going to do for my new project.  about the architecture design ideas swirling in my head (some day, i will design and build the sweetest back yard studio). i also want to be more creative and make more watercolor sketches / do crafts / collaborate / get my hands dirty. drawing was so cathartic when i did it. and writing, well, there's that autobiographical novel i want to put to paper. but I need time to research, to find more photos... or is this another road block?

maybe like my memory maps, i can write this novel out if memory. so it's part reality /part nonfiction... and what is reality now these days? photographs falsify, we only project the best parts if us to the world, and recounted stories out of memory (which is basically all I've got for the book) is subjective and has years and years of time to fade. maybe like my memory maps, maybe it's time to start writing my memory novel. 

i like this notion. it's time to start from the last thing and move backward.