wednesday / 6:43 am

i'm in bed writing this on my phone. the world is cold and this polar vortex freeze is getting old. but as I lay here, i am being held by paul and i feel so warm, so loved and so safe. 

it's amazing how far our relationship has gone. i'm so glad to have seen it through to the other side. he is the most kind hearted and caring person i've ever met. and his drive to make things and be a true artist astonishes me. i am lucky to have found him, to have taken that chance and kissed him, to have married him, and to have made a life with him.

i am so happy with how our life is at this moment but i also want to move forward and become a family of three. but i am so SO scared for what that means. the balance i've finally found will be gone, and the space and time we both need will be lost, and i would hate myself if i resented the child because i am not like most people and i need the time to be creative and to make things. but i would regret it more if my relationship with paul suffered as a result of having a child, because he needs more time and space than i ever could muster up for myself. 

i worry we will get cranky and stop communicating and start resenting each other. i worry that instead of a team mentality, we will become savage animals looking out for #1. and i never want to get to that point, not with paul, not ever again.