wednesday / 9:55 am

we were shooting a wedding but instead of shooting photo, i had a video on me. as i was planning to go greet the macedonian band coming up to play to get the bride, someone from the family told me to come back so i don't miss any important things. i told them this was very important and that as soon as i was done i'd come back and get the bride's experience. but in explaining all of that, the band already came and the song they were playing sounded too sad for a wedding. and as i turned to get candids and reactions, there they were. side by side in a coffin. they were supposed to be the bride's parents but they looked almost almost alien. and when i got closer to really see their faces, i thought i saw jude for a second. and that's when i consciously woke myself up. 

seeing that in a dream was too much. we cremated him and brought him home but i still don't know how we could have any sense of closure. seeing what i though thought was the likeness of him (and maybe his twin, or even the previous lost pregnancy) in that coffin was so strange. so real. 

last night, i told paul that i feel like i've killed all of my babies. the first one by choice with the abortion and this second due my body not being able to bear them. had i continued that first one, would i have found out all about these medical conditions? and therefore unknowingly not killed another one of our children by getting pregnant again?