i forgot what it meant to give time to myself... i have been so wrapped up with aperture work, meyers work, friends and family, and most importantly, getting my health back in order after jude's birth and the surgery, that i haven't had a moment to perfectly clear my mind. so many things are happening at once and so many ideas and projects are swirling around, i can't seem to focus on anything.

and i guess it doesn't help that i'm having surgery on monday. or maybe that will help, in the sense that it will force me to slow down and give me time to refocus and get some of these thoughts and emotions down onto paper.

as a way to help clear my mind, paul and i walked to the ravine today. it was in the upper 60s and gorgeous, and i felt at calm for the first time in months. but as soon as we came back, all of those thoughts and stresses all came back.

i don't like that it's going to get colder and darker, especially with my upcoming medical procedures... i will be missing the best part of fall sitting at the hospital and at home. and once i'm fully recovered, it will be cold and dreary and lifeless. and maybe that's what i'm afraid of - of feeling cold and lifeless once everything is done. because right now i can focus on the physical parts that need fixing, but once those are done, what excuse will i have for not feeling whole again? i miss my baby boy. paul and i are not whole anymore without him. and i don't know how or what i need to do to fix that.