sunday / 7:57 pm

i'm going into surgery tomorrow. i don't know how to feel about this. i'm surprisingly calm and collected, but subconsciously i've got this weird tingling in my belly. i'm not worried about risks or anything associated with the physical portions of the procedure, but more so the psychological parts of being back there so soon after jude. especially if i have to spend the night, and come home to another long recovery. this will be surgery #2 in one month.  surgery #3 is as soon as i recover from this one.

i think i'm done trying to assign blame or trying to find the 'reasoning' behind all of the things that have happened to me recently. i know most people want to find meaning in these things, or to be comforted, they want to find the real blame and the root of it all the trouble so they stop blaming themselves for things out of their control. but in my case, there are so many variables that are so unknown, it's almost more exhausting trying to keep up with all of the plausibles. and more importantly, i'm not blaming myself for anything, nor looking for the bigger reasoning behind anything. it's just life. things happen. you deal with it as best as you can, and move on. there is no fate or 'meant to be this way'. it just is.